


Mental Health Days

by smolchinerd



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Calm down and let the musical be a musical, Don't forget what he did y'all, Especially Treebros, Evan Hansen deserves better, Evan bottles things in, Goodnight, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Sorry, I'm being a hypocrtite, Jared is a bad person but a good friend, Not everything has to be a ship, Panic Attacks, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Why Did I Write This?, leave them alone, oof
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-09
Updated: 2018-04-09
Packaged: 2019-04-20 16:08:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14264730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smolchinerd/pseuds/smolchinerd
Summary: Sometimes you just need a day to calm down and collect your thoughts before they can get the best of you. It's okay.Sometimes you just need a day where you can break down because everything is too much. Evan learns that the hard way.





	Mental Health Days

**Author's Note:**

> It's 4:41 AM and I have to wake up for class at 5:30, what do y'all want from me.
> 
>  
> 
> I'm trying to work on the fan-fiction, but something about it is bothering me and I think I'm going to edit a few chapters. Please be patient.

Evan liked when they took breaks. Ran away from whatever was troubling them in life and allowed themselves some freedom; they allowed themselves the luxury of a mental health break. 

 

This time it was Jared’s idea and Evan assumed that his classes were finally getting to him. Evan wouldn’t judge, of course, because he’d just started his fall semester of college and he was already falling apart at the seams. Although, he didn’t want to complain because he knew that the rest of his friends were going through way more than he could possibly be going through. 

 

It was crazy that Jared and Alana had already survived their first year of college and the stress was eating at them  _ now  _ rather than earlier in the year when it was supposed to be more perilous. Even Zoe had more on her plate than Evan because she’d won a full ride scholarship to some top notch performing arts college Evan hadn’t heard of and in order to keep her enrollment in the school, she had to maintain a near perfect record of grades and behavior. So, Evan had no room to complain when all he was juggling were some community college classes.

 

After consulting the groupchat, Evan had found out that both Alana and Zoe wanted to take a breather which meant he would have to tag along regardless or not of his own decision. Whenever they did this, which wasn’t too often, they did something that would take their minds off of the stress. Usually it was the carnival or a weekend camping trip, but that was because it was mostly the girls choosing the activity. Since Jared had been the one to suggest it, he claimed that it was in his jurisdiction to choose the activity.

 

“A night on the town. Why spend our time doing one thing when we can hop from activity to activity, blissfully unaware of the stress eating away at our humanity.” He’d said once Zoe pulled up in her Mocha Brown Kia Soul with Alana in the passenger seat.

 

“No offence, Jared,” Evan started, licking his dry lips. “But shouldn’t we have a plan, uh,  a course of action?”

 

“Fuck that!” Jared exclaimed, his glasses glaring dangerously in the sunlight of the afternoon sun. “We’re going to go with our gut. We already spend enough time stuck in class listening to a boring ass professor, so we should make our own decision for the day.”

 

“Technically, it’s completely up to you whether or not you sit in class and obey the instructions of your professor. You have the power to leave the class and return home just as you have the power to go to the class in the first place.” Alana spoke up.

 

“But I’m not going to be able to create the first full body virtual reality console if I don’t go to class, so fuck probability and free will to skip class.”

 

Evan laughed, Zoe shaking her head as she sifted through her purse for a few flyers she’d brought along. “I had a feeling you’d pull something stupid like this, so I came prepared.” She passed each of them a few flyers and coupons to look through. 

 

“What are these for?” Evan asked, flipping over a coupon for a pizza arcade.

 

“They’re a bunch of flyers for different things to do downtown. We can head down there and choose a handful of things to do. That way we have freedom of choice, yet a planned route so we aren’t wasting time.”

 

“Genius.” Alana said simply, not looking up, but reading through a brochure for some museum.

 

“But, uh I’m not trying to cause trouble-” Evan started.

 

“You probably aren’t.” Zoe and Jared said in unison.

 

“Uh, right, but, uhm,” Evan toyed with the corner of the coupon sheet he was holding in his hand. “What if one person wants to do a lot of things? Or what if we pick too many things and then the end of the day comes and we haven’t finished? What if something is too expensive? What if-”

 

“Cool it, acorn, I’ve got it covered.” Jared grinned proudly as he brought his thumb towards his chest. “We all pick one thing to do, within a reasonable price range, and then together we pick one thing. That way we all get to do something we personally want with one group activity.”

 

“That’s... surprisingly not selfish.” Evan gaped.

 

“Fuck you, look who’s talking.” Jared quipped back.

 

“C’mon you guys, we use our mental health breaks for fun, not fights. So you better cut it out before I  _ make  _ you cut it out.” Zoe threatened, her eyes glimmering with intent.

 

Evan and Jared obliged, casting a glance in one another’s direction. The four stood in silence for a moment as they sifted through and exchanged brochures and flyers. It took a few minutes, but eventually they’d had 4 flyers put aside.

 

“Okay. Jared wants to go to- what? You really want to go to a wax museum?” Zoe rose an eyebrow, holding the flyer up for the others to see.

 

“He’s been talking about it for the last two weeks.” Evan sighed softly. 

 

“Damn right I have. They have one of Houdini and some people think that it’s wearing a pocket watch that Houdini actually owned.” There was a moment where he paused, suspense lingering in the air. “Legend has it that he died with that pocket watch and his spirit possesses the statue and kills those who get too close.”

 

A shiver traveled down Evan’s spine and he side stepped to get behind Zoe. “I- that’s not true.”

 

“You keep telling yourself that.” Jared replied, tone still cryptic sounding which only put Evan more on edge. 

 

In response, Zoe punched Jared on the shoulder. “Leave him alone, asshole.” Jared obeyed. 

 

“So, Wax Museum for Jared,” Zoe paused to read the flyer that Alana had submitted. “Alana, you know that that it’s supposed to be a day off, right? You chose a-”

 

“Library? Yes. It’s not a normal library though, it’s-”

 

“Haunted! What- why do you both want to do something so dangerous?” Evan cried out before Alana could finish.

 

“No,” She chided, shaking her head slowly. “It’s also a bookstore. One of the oldest in town. I am interested in a certain book that they have. Maybe you all could find books of your own as well?”

 

Zoe nodded in agreement, Evan gave a timid bow of his head, and Jared groaned, voicing his agreement in his own special way. Placing aside the library flyer, Zoe moved on.

 

“I wanted to visit a pizza place for lunch. I assumed everyone else would pick actual activities, so I’m using my vote to have lunch at a place of my choosing.” Jared went to argue, but Zoe gave him a glare and continued. “It’s also the site of a fundraiser my dance team put together. So, we have to eat there to support.”

 

“You tricked us!” Jared blurted. 

 

“You’re being over dramatic. The pizza is made from scratch and the owner is an italian chef, he  _ knows  _ what he’s doing in the kitchen.”

 

Jared huffed out an over dramatic sigh before gesturing for her to continue.

 

“Last but not least, Evan. You chose- an escape room?” 

 

“Huh? No, that was also mine.” Jared spoke up, typing in a quick tweet about Zoe being a dictator before closing the app and tucking his phone into his breast pocket. “I put it in as our group activity. If we all pitch in we can pay for all four of us, and it forces us to work as a team.” Jared began to snicker. “Also, one of my classmates set the record for fastest escape time and I bet that I could beat it.”

 

“Evan, you didn’t choose anything?” Alana turned her attention to Evan, and he paled a bit under her gaze. He’d been doing much better with handling his anxiety and certainly didn’t let it control his every move, but it was still there nonetheless and he did  _ not  _ like being the center of attention. Yet here he was.

 

“Uh, yeah, haha.” He laughed awkwardly. “I saw everyone else’s choices, I wasn’t trying to be rude or anything- but yeah. I saw everyone else’s choices and realized, ‘wow isn’t this going to cost a lot of money?’ So maybe if I just didn’t pick anything, it would be cheaper and we wouldn’t have to spend all of our paychecks on something dumb I chose. Also I-”

 

Evan’s voice was collected, yet his words seemed to slur together the more he explained and Jared knew better than to let him continue on his spiel. “Calm down, Ev.”

 

“Sorry.”

 

Jared’s eyes watched Evan for a few seconds, checking for any signs of panic or lingering anxiety and sighed softly when he saw none. “Since we're all pitching in, it doesn’t matter how expensive everything is in the end. Plus, we set a price range for a reason. Although, if you couldn’t pick anything, that’s a different problem.”

 

Truthfully, Evan had an activity he wanted to do, but he’d been unsure how much the others would enjoy it and he was sure that it was the most expensive when compared to the others. He wasn’t about to have them waste time and money, so he opted to do what he did best. Lie.

 

“Well, uh, if you’re asking… I think the escape room would be fun. You know? Hha. Because we would be together and we have the chance to learn more about one other, making us even closer friends and one day we might even be considered best friends. I don’t mean to be rude if you do consider us best friends- I’ll stop talking.”

 

Zoe managed a laugh at Evan’s explanation and Alana couldn’t help but join in. Jared casted a glance toward Evan, noting the way his cheeks flushed pink from embarrassment. Jared could handle embarrassment, as long as he wasn’t panicking or anything.

 

“Okay, so how about it? Everyone else cool with the escape room?” Jared questioned aloud.

 

“Yeah, sounds fun. Do we get anything as a prize?” Zoe replied.

 

“If we break the record? I think you get a medal and your face on the wall of fame.” 

 

“If everyone else wants to, I’ll do it. It sounds like an interesting way to test my intellect.” Alana gave a nod.

 

“So it’s agreed. We’ll head from the museum to the library, get lunch, and then escape room it to victory.” Zoe concluded and smiled when everyone gave an affirming nod.

 

Evan figured that this was the least he could do for everyone after everything he put them through and everything they were currently going through. He didn’t know when he started mixing his guilt for the Connor Project in with manting to please them, but now that it was in there, he couldn’t get it out. The day was sure to be an emotional rollercoaster for him, but that didn’t mean that it had to be bad for all of them. All he had to do was go along with it. Pretend he was okay so that they could be okay. They deserved it after all. He could do this.

 

__________________________

 

He could  _ not  _ do this. 

 

The library had been fairly interesting. While Zoe helped Alana search for the book she wanted, Evan found an encyclopedia on forest creatures and plants he didn’t even know existed. Managing to bury himself in the book, he figured that he was helping his friends by allowing them some time to themselves. Wrong. In the end, they found Alana’s book and Jared had a few comic books he was interested in reading. They paid and realized that Evan hadn’t been with them. It took 15 minutes for them to spot Evan at the back of the store in one of the bean bag chairs reading. He’d wasted their time.

 

“Sorry.” The blonde boy murmured again once they all climbed back into Zoe’s car.

 

“Stop apologizing.” Jared scolded.

 

“But I wasted time-”

 

“Don’t cry over spilled milk.”

 

“What I think he means to say,” Alana spoke up from the passenger seat, already engrossed with her new book. “Evan, we have all day. What’s the use in worrying over 15 minutes that we already lost?”

 

“..Okay.” Evan muttered in defeat as he secured his seat belt over his chest and sunk in his seat slightly.

 

The ride to the museum was...something to say the least. Zoe turned on the radio and some pop song Evan didn’t recognize began to play. Vaguely, he recognized Bruno Mars’ voice, but he didn’t know the song nor did he understand what the lyrics were supposed to mean.

 

Meanwhile, Jared seemed to be pretty into it, singing along and dancing in his seat. Evan scolded him for not wearing his seatbelt, but Jared only argued that “you can’t dance with a seatbelt on”. Jared had this weird thing where he could convince you to do anything, but only if he really put his mind into it. He’d managed to convince Zoe to join in with the singing and the ganged up on Alana who also joined in. 

 

To say the least, Evan felt left out. Jared tried to pull Evan into their world of fun and blissful singing, but he didn’t know the words and his mind was too busy trying to process other things for him to even try pretending he knew or try to listen to the repeating words of the chorus. Soon enough the song ended and the three laughed together, teasing Jared for his ability to his the same notes as Zoe even though she was a soprano.

 

“We’re here!” Jared cried out once Zoe pulled into the parking lot. Once the engine was off, he hopped out of the car and slammed the door. His energy matched that of a child and it amused Evan to an extent. Sure, Jared was always excited about something and always had something new to talk about, Evan was the one who usually got over excited over his interests. So it made him happy to see Jared so enthusiastic. 

 

“Jared if swear to god if you dent my backdoor-”

 

“Come on! I think that’s a school bus pulling up and I’m determined to get in before these fucking heathens come and ruin the peace with their field trip.” Jared declared simply before jogging to the front entrance of the building. 

 

Evan and the girls followed behind Jared, murmuring about how Jared was probably going steal the pocket watch or kill one of the students if he was left to his own devices. Thankfully, the man working the front counter was nice and even discounted their tickets because it had been a slow day. He had even given them free souvenir wristbands that had been left over from a field trip that visited earlier that morning.

 

Jared all but ran to the Houdini statue in the next room over, not bothering to pay any attention to any of the other exhibits. Alana and Zoe ran after him, but Evan stayed put and awkwardly idled around the room he was in. Most of the people he only recognized from his 8th grade history class, but there were a few old time singers and celebrities that he knew from his ‘oldies but goodies’ playlist on pandora. 

 

Soon enough, Evan had wandered off to another room of more modern celebrities like Michael Jackson and Justin Bieber. Speaking of Justin Bieber, the students from the field trip were currently trying to do a water bottle flip onto the statue’s head and there didn’t seem to be a chaperone anywhere nearby. 

 

The adult part of Evan wanted to scold the children and tell them that they were in the wrong, but then again he wasn’t their teacher and had no authority over them. Before he could even decide on his course of action, one of the workers came in and began shouting at the kids. They’d scrambled out of the room and into the next before the employee could ask any names or take any of them to the front. The woman locked eyes with Evan and she immediately began to make her way over. 

 

“Why didn’t you stop them? As their chaperone, it’s your duty to keep them out of trouble. They could have damaged our property and  _ I  _ would have been in trouble with my boss for it, not you.”

 

Her words were sharp and fast, leaving almost no room for Evan to argue. “Wait! I, uh, I’m not-”

 

“-not responsible, that’s what you are. They let anyone attend these things these days-”

 

“Ma’am I don’t work for the school-”

 

“Correction, you  _ won’t  _ be working for the school once I inform whoever is in charge that you are incapable of watching over your students. Come with me.”

 

Evan shook with anxiety, unsure of what else to do besides follow the woman. She was so unrealistically adamant on placing the blame on Evan that he wasn’t sure if this was really happening or not. Maybe he’d fallen out of another tree and this was some crazy coma dream. Although, this wasn’t that far fetched the more he thought about it. It was just unreasonable.

 

Once they reached the front desk, the employee spotted the staff member in charge and began to explain the situation while occasionally glancing over and Evan. Easily he could have walked off and joined back up with the others, but he didn’t want to run away if it was obvious that he was innocent in the matter.

 

He wished he could say the same about his anxiety. There wasn’t a reason to be fidgeting and fumbling around with his shirt and whatever random objects were in his pockets if he wasn’t guilty of anything. He should have just manned up and waited for the situation to blow over so he could go enjoy the rest of the time with Jared and Alana and Zoe. But no. Here he was stuck doing something stupid because he was too afraid of leaving.

 

“Sir? Sir!” The employee’s frantic voice pulled Evan out of his thoughts. “I’m sorry for the misunderstanding-”

 

The staff member, probably a counselor from the calm smile he had, spoke up. “It seems that you were mistaken for one of my chaperones. I’m so sorry for the trouble.”

 

“I- uh, it’s- I,” Evan fumbled over his words, gnawing on his lip. “It’s okay.”

 

The two apologized again before going off to to their jobs, although Evan was sure that the employee hadn’t been doing what she was supposed to in the first place. Evan, hands still trembling slightly, decided that he would rather wait at the front entrance and calm down by himself. Better than pulling everyone else into his bad mood. 

 

In an attempt to avoid a repeat of the library, Evan shot a text to the group chat saying that it was a little too stuffy in the building and that he would be waiting outside until they finished. He would be worrying about wasting time, but they only have 10 minutes left until their tickets expired anyway.

 

The fresh air managed to ease his panic from the encounter, but his anxiety was persistent, refusing to go back to whatever hole it came out of. Everything was too loud and too quiet at the same time. The honking of cars in the distance, the sound of the breeze blowing the autumn leaves across the pavement, even the conversation that the bus driver was having. It was all egging his anxiety on, daring him to fall into it’s trap and lose it. He ran a nervous hand through his hair. 

 

He was going to ruin it. The whole day was going to be fucked up because Evan didn’t know how to calm the fuck down. Jared is going to ignore him for months and months because Evan can’t grant him one day of peace. Zoe is going to be weirded out- she’s going to remember how much of a mess Evan is. They all are- they’re going to ignore him again because-

 

“Ev!” Jared’s voice derailed Evan’s train of thought. 

 

The brunette squatted in front of him, eyes locked with Evan’s. Evan released his grip on his hair and placed his hands in his lap. Briefly, his eyes searched for Zoe and Alana, but he concluded that they were in the car from the sound of the engine running. Jared still hadn’t stop looking at Evan and Evan willed himself to maintain eye contact. It was a battle they had going on and the loser was the first to look away. Evan felt his hands start to tremble again and his eyes snapped down to his lap.

 

“Alright, what gives?”

 

The blonde struggled for an excuse, his tongue running over his teeth briefly. “I- it’s nothing.”

 

“Obviously fucking not, Evan.” Jared cursed. “You can’t play it off like it’s nothing.”

 

Evan stood, determined to keep his walls up and keep Jared out of it. “You don’t even know what  _ it  _ is, so-”

 

“Because you don’t want to tell me.”

 

“Exactly, so just stop trying to butt in.” Evan murmured, once again biting his lip and focusing on keeping his body from shaking.

 

“I’m trying to help you, Evan! You can never decide if you want to pull someone in or push them away-” Jared groaned before exhaling softly. 

 

The stood in silence for a few moments. Evan could feel Jared’s eyes on him, waiting for him to break down and tell him what was wrong. But he  _ couldn’t.  _ He couldn’t keep ruining things. Keep lying. Keep pulling Jared in just to push him away again. So he would keep him out- keep him safe.

 

“It’s nothing.”

 

Again, Jared sighed before pushing up his glasses. “Okay.”

 

They walked back to the car in silence, Evan casting a side glance towards Jared but immediately looking down once he saw Jared was still looking his way. Zoe glared at both of them in the rearview mirror, but simply turned the music up and pulled out of the parking lot.

 

Another song started to play on the radio, but this time Alana was the first to start singing. Zoe, surprise clear on her face, joined in. This was a song Evan recognized. Havana, he remembered, by Camilla something. He hadn’t personally liked it, but it had played on pandora a few times. Jared joined in, mumbling the words under his breath at first, but sang at normal volume as the song went on. Evan remained silent. 

 

As the song came to an end, Evan looked out the window to watch their surroundings. Only, the trees seemed to pass by slower and slower until finally they came to a stop completely. 

 

“Damn it.” Zoe cursed, biting the dead skin on her lip. “Out of gas.”

 

“What- I- Are we close to a gas station?” Evan spoke up first, Alana getting out of the car to check the trunk for a gas container.

 

“There’s one a couple of blocks away.” Jared informed, scrolling through google maps. “But the pizza place is around the corner.”

 

“Yeah, we can eat first and then one of us can go get gas afterwards.” Zoe nodded slowly, her hands slipping off of the steering wheel and going to unbuckle her seatbelt.

 

Alana raised a red gas canteen above her head, then placed it in the passenger seat. “It’s empty though.”

 

“It’s fine. We’re going to east first, then we’ll deal with this.” Zoe explained.

 

Evan and jared climbed out of the car and joined Zoe and Alana on the sidewalk. The girls chatted back and forth about high school experiences compared to the college life while they waited on Jared to pull up the map again. The woman on the map began to call out the directions to the pizza place, telling them which streets to turn on. It was easy enough to get to their destination, considering how close they were.

 

“Welcome! How may I help you?” The bald man at the register greeted them the second they walked in.    
  


Since there had only been four of them, they chose to order one large pizza, but the problem was deciding which toppings.

 

“Evan only eats pepperoni pizza, so we might as well get that.” Zoe suggested.

 

“Fuck that, I’m in the mood for a meat lovers pizza.” Jared grinned.

 

“May I suggest a pineapple pizza?” Alana broke in, earning a series of disagreements and curses from Jared and Zoe.

 

“Why, uhm I don’t know, but why don’t we just do half and half?” Evan suggested, gnawing on his bottom lip again. “Like pepperoni on one side and meat on the other- uh, we can’t do the pineapple, but maybe Alana can choose from one of the sides we have?”

 

Zoe shrugged, pulling out her wallet. “Whatever, how about you guys?”

 

“That works.”

 

“I’m fine with that.”

 

Alana and Jared pulled out their wallets to pay their share, handing cash over to Zoe so she could count it and pay up. Evan sifted through his back pocket for the cash he’d brought with him, but it was nowhere to be seen. He checked his front pocket and his breast pocket just to be sure he didn’t move it, but the money wasn’t there.

 

“I- where- oh no.” Evan started, taking a step back. “I- my- it’s not in my pocket.”

 

“What?” Jared questioned, raising an eyebrow. 

 

“My money- I- usually- it’s supposed to be in my back pocket, but it’s not-!” He whined in response, almost losing his composure.

 

Jared tried to put his hand on Evan’s shoulder to calm him down, get him to sit somewhere and think about where the money might be, but Evan had already turned around hurriedly and rushed out the door, saying something about checking in the car.

 

The wind blew gently as Evan ran to the car, panic bubbling in his chest as he tried to pull the door open only for it to be locked. Placing his forehead against the window, he spotted the money sitting on the backseat. It was rolled up and bound together with a purple rubber band. Zoe’s window was halfway down, so he assumed that he could slip his hand inside and unlock it. 

 

Instead of simply unlocking, her car alarm went off, blaring loudly. A few passerby’s saw Evan, his arm inside the window and the alarm going off. He  _ knew  _ what it looked like and he hated it. Frantically, he opened the door and tried to silence the alarm, but Zoe had the car keys and he had no idea where the alarm button was.

 

Evan was about to  _ lose it.  _ His eyes began to water and his breath hitched in his throat as he placed his head on the steering wheel in defeat. After a few seconds, the car alarm stopped and Evan lifted his head to see if he had accidentally hit a button or maybe there had been a timer. But no, instead there was Zoe in all of her glory.

 

“Evan? What happened?” She asked as she stepped off of the sidewalk to get to the drivers side of the car.

 

Evan turned his head slightly, unable to reply. His breath was still uneven and his eyes filled to the brink with tears that hadn’t spilled over yet. The tears died down and his breath evened out enough for him to seem relatively okay.

 

“Uh, the- your car was locked.” He said dumbly.

 

“And?”

 

“I tried to open it with the window, so your car alarm went off.” His eyes were downcast, unable to meet hers for a single second.

 

She noted his trembling hands and decided not to berate him for his mistake. It wouldn’t make things better if he went and had a breakdown because of her. “We paid for the rest of the pizza, it should be ready once we get back.”

 

“Huh- what- no! I didn’t-”

 

“It’s fine, Evan. You can pay Jared back once we get there. It wasn’t that much anyway.” Zoe soothed.

 

“..Okay.” He reached into the back seat, grabbing the money before stepping out of the car and shutting the door back. Zoe locked it, the little beep making her smile. Evan was too on edge to care about how pretty it was or how she found something so miniscule cute.

 

True to her word, the pizza was ready once they got back. Jared had too pieces stacked ontop of one another, biting in large portions. Alana nibbled on a piece of pepperoni, scolding Jared for being messy and ruining an amazing meal by being messy and childish. Looking for a way out, he noticed Evan and used him as a scapegoat. 

 

“I mean, if you think this is weird, then you should see how Evan used to eat pizza.” He grinned mischievously as Evan and Zoe took a seat.

 

“What?” Evan grabbed a slice with a paper towel.

 

“Tell them how you used to eat pizza when we were kids.” Jared took another bite of his pizza sandwich.

 

“No.”

 

“Do it.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because I said so.”

 

“No.”

 

Jared groaned before turning to Zoe and Alana. “He used to eat it like some crazy rich kid. I swear on my life he used a knife and fork to cut it up and eat it so he didn’t get the grease and crumbs on his hands.”

 

“Really?” Zoe snorted as she reached for a slice.

 

Evan tried to hide his embarrassed blush with the pizza slice, but it was no use.

 

“There’s no reason to be embarrassed, Evan.” Alana laughed softly. “I’m pretty sure we all used to do something strange when we were younger. We might even still doing something strange now.”

 

“I used to microwave my waffles instead of using the toaster because I liked them soft, but it’s just come out a mess because of the syrup.” Zoe admitted.

 

“I used to eat sandwiches with peanut butter, syrup, and honey in them and nothing else.” Alana chuckled at herself as she took a bite of her pizza.

 

“I pour the milk before the cereal.” Jared spoke up eyes closed as he enjoyed his pizza.

 

“Leave.” Zoe glared daggers at him and Jared glared right back. 

 

Evan couldn’t help but laugh.

 

It didn’t take long for them to eat the entire pizza and leave the restaurant. They’d began to make their way to the car, but Jared stopped them halfway there. “I don’t know how you feel about leaving your car until later, but we can walk to the escape room too.”

 

“Really? How close?”

 

“If we turn around and keep walking past the pizza place, it’s on that corner.” He turned the phone around so that it faced Alana and Zoe, Evan wasn’t even really paying attention.

 

“It does seem quicker to just walk there and do that instead of walking back to the car, then to the gas station and then back to the car.” Alana nodded, agreeing with Jared’s idea. 

 

Zoe sighed softly, not exactly excited to leave her car on a street she barely knew. Not to forget they were downtown. But it would save time for them to just finish this all up with the escape room and then continue on to the gas station or maybe someone could just tow the car home.

 

“Alright, let’s go.”

 

The sun began to set behind the buildings and the breeze picked up a little. Evan, the only one not wearing a sweatshirt, shivered a little but said nothing. Plus, he could see the building down the street anyway.

 

“Race you there!” Jared called out, tone childish and teasing as he took off towards the building.

 

“You cheater!” Zoe groaned and took off after him.

 

Alana stared for a second before running after them, calling and shouting for them to slow down. Evan started after them in a light jog, but settled on walked after realizing how fast they’d been running. He was alone, alone with his thoughts.

 

As much as he tried to avoid thinking about it, he was emotionally unstable and he couldn’t stop the thoughts of the Connor Project from filtering in. He couldn’t help but think about how  _ disgusting  _ he was. Manipulating all of those people. Even people he cared about. He’d dragged Alana into his big scheme and turned her into a liar. Made her seem like she was a bad guy. Jared, although offering to join, had been hurt by it too. Evan had made him seem unwanted and even called him out on his faults despite everything he’d done for him. He used Zoe’s emotional turmoil to convince her that Connor actually cared about her and she somehow fell in love with Evan from that. He was just a dirty lying manipulator who used people as pawns. He was-

 

“Evan, come one, you’re going to make us miss our session!” Jared called out from the front door of the building. He gave Evan a wary look, byt Evan wasn’t sure if it was out of concern or curiosity. 

 

Evan jogged the rest of the way, hastily apologizing to the three of them once he made it there. The employee counted to see if there was four of them and then checked if the contact information Zoe provided had matched up. Once he filled everything out, the employee led them to a waiting room to wait for the current group to complete the room.

 

Evan fidgeted in his seat, the situation dawning on him and he realized just how much he didn’t want to do this. He didn’t want the stress that came with trying to escape. It would be different if they weren’t being timed because then they wouldn’t have to rush. They could take their time and logically find the way out. Evan didn’t do well under pressure, and certainly wasn’t in the right mindset to complete a god damn escape room for the first time.

 

“Alright, let’s do this!” Jared cried out once the other group opened the door and began chanting happily. Jared, being as impatient as ever, barely let the employee’s reset the room and it’s secrets. Zoe had to keep him from entering prematurely. 

 

After a few minutes, the same employee from earlier exited the room and began to explain the rules and what to do in case of emergency. Evan was barely listening, balancing between a breakdown or taking this on just as he’d survived the days festivities. He decided to try to tough this out and then he could let loose once he was home.

 

Briefly, Evan closed his eyes and breathed slowly, but not before he was dragged into the room by Zoe and Jared, much to excited about this for their own good. The room was styled like an old fashioned mansion living room, a fireplace lighting up a majority of the room. Jared made his was over to the door they were supposed to open and looked at the locks. 

 

“Alright, we need to find a key and the combination for a lock.” He announced. “Alana and Zoe, you search for the key, we’ll get the combination.” 

 

Alana and Zoe began searching for the key, sifting through drawers and looking in plants for anything that might offer help as to where the key would be. Meanwhile, Jared led Evan to the bookshelf and put his hands on his hip.

 

“The combination is probably written down somewhere right? Why not in the books?”

 

Evan simply nodded, not trusting his voice to carry the words he wanted to say without saying something else unnecessary and unwanted. The blonde boy got to work, searching through the books for anything that might have been placed lazily. Staff got lazy, so maybe they just tossed it somewhere easy when they reset the room.

 

“I think we found the key!” Alana called out excitedly, raising a silver key in the air. Zoe snatched it from her hands and ran over to the lock to use it, but it didn’t work. “What?”

 

“It didn’t work?” Zoe scanned the room, searching for anything else that might need a key.

 

The only other thing was a closet door with a lock in it, but they hadn’t thought anything of it when they first entered. Zoe made her way over, sticking the key into the lock and squealing happily when it turned. She pushed on the door and it didn’t budge, but they key certainly belonged to this door, so-

 

“Evan, can you come give me a hand?” Zoe asked, still kicking at the door.

 

“Uh, sure,” He stood slowly, making his way over to the door. “What’s- uhm- why won’t it open?”

 

“I think it’s just jammed. You’re stronger than I am, try to force it open.”

 

Evan simply obeyed, turning sideways so that his shoulder was aligned with the center of the door. He counted to three under his breath before slamming his shoulder into the door. It swung open quickly and he fell to the floor with a grunt.

 

“He did it!” Zoe cheered, but her celebration was premature. “Evan, you alright?”

 

The door swung closed as quickly as it opened, trapping Evan inside. Panic clawed at the inside of his chest once he heard the door shut, still a little disoriented from the fall. Slowly, he stood, swaying on his feet as he blinked. The room was dark, only lit by two dim lights on the wall. He tried to pull the door back open, but this was supposed to happen. If you looked sloe enough, you could see the mechanic above the door that opened and closed it. Evan wasn’t educated enough in technology to know what controlled it.

 

“I- it’s locked again! I can’t- this wasn’t-” His stomach seemed to churn at the thought of being stuck inside some dark closet. The mechanism for the door could just be broken and he’s trapped for an hour until a technician comes out and gets him. He opened his mouth to speak, but all that came out was an awkward whine.

 

“Evan, what’s in there?” Jared’s voice filtered through the door. Evan glanced around and realized that the room wasn’t a closet, but a bathroom.

 

“It’s a bathroom? I don’t know, Jared-” His voice was too high and he was unaware of his breathing and how loud he was actually being.

 

“A bathroom? Try looking around, there might be a button or something.” Alana suggested. “Disguised as an everyday item maybe?”

 

Evan did that, searching through the body supplies and hair care products for something that beared any resemblance to a button or a switch, but they were all just props. The light switch was no use, not even controlling anything inside the room.

 

“I can’t do this,” Evan choked back tears, pacing around the bathroom for a way out, a key, anything that might help him escape. “I- it’s- I’m not smart enough for this and now you guys aren’t going to get put in the hall of fame because I can’t find the stupid button because I’m stuck in the stupid bathroom. And I’m just ruining everything-”

 

“Ev, calm down.” Jared called through the door, worry seeping into his voice despite his desperate attempt.

 

“No! I can’t do- this isn’t what-” Evan slapped a hand onto his forehead, latching onto his hair as he stressed and panicked. His hands trembled as he bit his lip harshly in an attempt to keep himself from crying, or worse, sobbing.

 

“You can’t do this shit while your in there, you  _ have  _ to calm down.” Jared managed to say, fumbling with the key in the door in an attempt to trigger it again. 

 

“I didn’t want-  _ this  _ wasn’t supposed to happen-!” Evan stumbled backwards, back colliding with the counter and knocking a few of the cans and bottles onto the floor. Evan sniffled, still willing himself to suck it the fuck up despite how inevitable a break down was, how the word panic attack didn’t have to be spoken for it to come and fuck everything up like it always did.

 

“ _ Evan! _ ” Jared cried out, banging on the door desperately. “Look, you know can’t help you if you don’t let me.”

 

“I don’t need your help.” Evan said gruffly. “I don’t want your help.”

 

“Why? Why the hell wouldn’t you want help?”

 

“Because I’m going to break, Jared. I’m going to fall apart and you aren’t going to be able to just put me back together! Because I can’t do this anymore- I- you- I can’t pretend I’m okay. I can’t sit here and act like I’m normal, but I have to.” Evan’s voice cracked as he blinked back tears. “After everything I did, the least I can do is be okay. Not perfect, but okay. But I  _ can’t.  _ Because you’ll keep trying to help me even after how I hurt you and I’ll just keep on hurting you and I can’t do that you you- I- I- I can’t-”

 

“Ev, you have to breathe-”

 

Evan slid onto the cold floor, pulling his knees up to his chest. “It’s too much- I can’t I can’t I can’t I  _ can’t can’t can’t-”  _ He fretted, placing his head against his knees as he drifted further away from whatever calm mentality he previously had. 

 

“God damn it, Evan-” Jared took a few steps back and collided into the door with his shoulder, forcing up open. He landed on the floor, but quickly got up, walking on his knees towards Evan’s curled up form. “Evan.”

 

Evan shook wildly, curled into himself and pulling on his hair every few seconds. Murmuring “I’m sorry” under his breath multiple times, Evan didn’t even acknowledge Jared’s arrival. His breathing was erratic and loud, catching in his through where he’d been trying to hold back his sobs.

 

“C’mon, Ev, you’re going to pass out if you don’t calm down.” Jared tried making his own breathing over dramatic so that Evan would catch on and do the same, but when it didn’t work, he opted to count. Honestly, he wasn’t sure how this was supposed to help, but he’d seen Heidi do it once when they were kids and Jared had used it to calm Evan’s breathing ever since. It took a few minutes for Evan to even acknowledge Jared was in the room and another few for him to actually still his breathing down to a pace that Jared was okay with.

 

“Evan, you can’t just ignore me.”

 

“I know.” He muttered tiredly. “It was worth a try though.”

 

“We have to talk-”

 

As if on cue, the alarm for time being up sounded. Alana and Zoe poked their head in the bathroom, but once they’d seen Evan and the way Jared seemed to be handling it, they stepped back out. 

 

“Oh no, looks like we have to go.” Evan muttered, going to stand up, but his legs wobbled and Jared had to support him with his own body before he had a chance to fall. Jared was silent as they four of them made their way out of the building. He sat Evan down on the curb and told Zoe and Alana they could head to the car if they wanted. Zoe said she’d call a tow truck before they walked away.

 

“Fucking spill it, Evan.”

 

“What do you want me to say, Jared? Do you need verbal recognition that I just had a panic attack?” Evan muttered, eyes drooping and tired as if he hadn’t slept in a week.

 

“For starters, tell me what’s eating at you.” Jared said simply. “All day Evan, all day you’ve been out of it. Don’t even try to act like it’s nothing.”

 

“It’s not important.”

 

“ _ Evan _ .”

 

Evan sighed, pulling his knees up to his chest again as he began to explain. “It’s just a alot Jared.”

 

“What? College?”

 

“No, everything.” Evan was strangely subdued compared to what had just went down inside. “I keep thinking about it. The Connor Project. What I was willing to do to get a different life. I used you. I used Alana. I lied to everyone about some dead kid who committed suicide because it benefited me.” Evan laughed humorlessly. “The things I said to you Jared- the things I told my mom. I manipulated Zoe into liking me and I manipulated her entire family into thinking I was this angel child who could have saved their son. I turned you and Alana into pawns that I was ready to dispose of because you were a threat to what I had going. I’m a  _ horrible  _ person. I don’t deserve to be-”

 

“Shut up,” Jared cut him off quickly. “You don’t get to say that. You don’t get to keep blaming yourself for something we’ve already forgiven you for.”

 

“But,”

 

“But nothing. It happened two years ago, Evan. You have to let the past be the past.” Jared said, eyes downcast. 

 

“In order to shape your future, you have to know your past-”

 

“There’s a difference between knowing your past and obsessing over it. What you did was horrible, Evan. There’s no denying that. But like you said, you have to know your past to shape your future. Let what you did make you a better person. Be the person you so desperately wanted everyone to think you were.”

 

Evan was silent, tears pooling in his eyes again and spilling over.

 

“Damn it, Ev. You’re a crybaby.” Jared joked, looking up at the sky as the stars sparkled. 

 

“I’m sorry.” He whined, rubbing the tears out of his eyes. “I...needed this.”

 

“I noticed.” Jared nodded a few times. “You can’t bottle shit up, Ev. I learned that the hard way.” 

 

“I know. Sometimes it just seems easier. You know?”

 

“Yeah.” Jared sighed gently. “I know.”

 

“I’m sorry, Jared.” Evan murmured, looking up at the sky. “I know I’ve said it a lot and it probably seems meaningless at this point but I mean it. I’m sorry. You’re my best friend and I appreciate you more than I admit. You’ve been there for me since we were kids regardless if it was because I was panicking over something small or if I was plotting something as crazy as the Connor Project. Sometimes I forget just how important to me you are. So, I’m sorry. Thank you for everything.”

 

Silent tears poured down his cheeks as he looked up into the stars and he felt so  _ stupid  _ for crying but it was damn near the nicest thing anyone had said to him and he couldn’t stop his stupid feelings from responding accordingly. 

 

“Jared?”

 

“Shut up, Evan.” He cried, using his arm to rub the tears from his eyes.

 

The tow truck pulled up half an hour later, Alana asleep in the back seat while Zoe sat in the passenger seat. Evan and Jared climbed into the back seat, leaning back in their seats. The tow worker turned the radio on, and the music played lowly. 

 

Evan, half asleep, somehow managed to hear the song playing. Sam Smith was probably one of the only artists he could recognize, so when he hear the acoustic version of Latch playing, he couldn’t help but sing along softly. No one joined in, rather they just listened to Evan until the song ended and he’d sung himself to sleep. Jared looked out the window, back up to the vast sky with infinite stars above them.

 

“Motherfucking Evan Hansen.” He scoffed with a soft chuckle. “You will be found.”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed! I tried my best I'm sorry.


End file.
